Tuesday, 17 March 2009

Julianne Moore

We've all had an instant Julianne Moore at one point or other. For many of us it reminds us of a childhood misspent collecting crash debris or tarantulas. Findus Julianne Moores were the height of sophistication in 1973 when they were first contrived, available in three flavours: battered trifle, honey spam and gosling. The craze for Julianne Moores led to ever moore (!!) bold experimental derivations from chemical food laboratories up and down the M1 corridor. Bird's Eye Julianne Moore Drummers, later joined by Mini Moore Kievs and the premium Julianne Moore Lattice were just a few of the products banned by the Common Market in 1978.

Yet how many of us have made a Julianne Moore at home? It could be easier and more economical than you think. To make a Julianne Moore to feed five good-sized land registry clerks you will need:

150g self raising stewing mutton or chops
6 large eggs (cubed)
Garden rice
Not runny honey. That other honey. About a handful.
Chips, to taste
3000lbs courgettes (optional)
A squeeze of nutmeg
A pinch of cider vinegar
Three tablespoons of red
Mixed peel (mixed)
Squirty clams (4)
3lbs salt
Gravy blacking

Take your live mice and chase them through a bed of celeriac. Upset the eggs. Run at the nutmeg with the mixed peel, but don't let it congeal. Baste the honey with the stewing mutton or chops, and leave over day over night over day. When happy, mix through with gravy blacking, hopscotch and red. Begin the rice. Approach the chips with caution. Apply the courgettes throughout with alacrity (optional). End the rice. Pierce film lid and microwave for three minutes. Peel back the film and stir, and leave to stand.

Present in a tower on upside-down measuring jugs. Ideal with orange squash and paper hats.

And there you have it. Eat slowly and savour those memories of the winter of discontent and the rise of the National Front.